“I can never forgive him for that.”
When Abigail was asked about her father, she wryly said, “I use to miss him, but now my aim is better.” Welcoming the opportunity to vent, she explained how her father cruelly taunted her as a child. She was constantly belittled and ridiculed and made to feel worthless. “I can never forgive him for that.” she went on to add.
But which is more tragic, the alleged maltreatment Abigail experienced as a child or her inability to forgive her dad? She has been holding on to resentment for more than half a century! By refusing to forgive her father, she is insisting on punishing herself. Her anger toward her father is understandable, for hatred is a vulnerable child’s revenge for being intimated.
But Abigail is no longer a child. She can start thinking like an adult by releasing her tight grip on painful childhood memories. Yes, her father may have betrayed her, but today she betrays herself by sucking the life out of herself and ruining her own chance for happiness. How can anger and resentment help us? Aren’t they toxic? For those who refuse to forgive, Confucius (BCE 551 ~ 479) issued this grave warning, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”
But how do we forgive others for the pain they have caused us? No one taught us how in school. Besides, although there are many logical arguments for forgiveness, logic has little power to defeat emotional beliefs. It would help if we could recognize that although we cannot change the past, we can change our attitude toward it. But this too is a logical argument, so there is little likelihood of it healing an extremely painful past. Applying a sprinkling of logic to an emotionally painful past is like applying a small band aid to third-degree burns.
Does that mean there is no hope for recovery? Not at all. In the last 30 years, new and powerful tools have emerged that have made personal transformation easier than ever. Standing in the forefront is a tool for change that was jointly developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder and is known as Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP).
There is a plethora of information on NLP on the Internet and scores of books on the subject. If you wish to explore the subject further, a great place to start is with Harry Alder and Beryl Heather’s “NLP IN 21 DAYS, A Complete Introduction and Training Program,” Piatkus (press), 1999.
NLP has given birth to many effective techniques for change. NLP practitioners refer to these techniques or tools as applications. I will introduce one such application for the sake of Abigail and others finding it difficult to let go of the past. I call this application “Overwriting Your Past.”
If you have computer experience, you may have tried to save a new file with the same name as an older file. When trying to do so, you will usually be warned that if you continue, the new file will overwrite the old one. That is, the new file will replace the old one, and the old one will be erased from the computer’s memory.
Isn’t our brain a computer? Aren’t our memories files? Why not overwrite painful memories (files)? To practice the “Overwriting Your Past” application, we first have to place ourselves in the alpha state (a state of relaxation). The instructions on how to do so appeared in the Conquering Procrastination article, which I am repeating here (steps 1 ~ 3).
1. Find a place where you will not be disturbed. Shake out body tension. Be seated and get as comfortable as possible. Close your eyes and take three deep breaths.
2. Slowly inhale and imagine the number three flashing three times as you slowly breathe out. Repeat this for number two (see it flashing three times as you slowly exhale). Next, repeat this for number one.
3. Imagine sitting before a black curtain with a bowl of white numbers (1 ~ 10) at your side. Reach into the bowl, take out number one, stick it onto the curtain, and then remove it. Repeat this with number two, continuing until you have done all ten numbers.
Steps 1 ~ 3 remove your thoughts from the cares of the day, help you enter a relaxed state (alpha), and prepare your mind to focus on the “Overwriting Your Past” exercise. At this point you will be prepared for the next step.
4. In your mind’s eye or imagination, relive the painful memory. Turn it into a movie. Watch it from beginning to end.
5. Now that it is a movie, play it in reverse. Try it in slow motion and fast rewind.
6. Now play it in fast-forward. Notice how it takes on the almost comical appearance of an old silent film.
7. Add music to your movie and change the scene to a carnival or Mardi Gras atmosphere. Watch it in fast-forward and reverse.
8. Add props. Do you remember those funny plastic eyeglasses with huge eyebrows and a huge nose? Place one on the antagonist in your movie (in Abigail’s case, she would see her father wearing these ridiculous eyeglasses as he belittles her). Dress the antagonist in an outrageous costume (perhaps as a clown). Watch this new version of your movie in forward and reverse.
Tinker with the speed if you wish.
9. Add character voices to your movie. Change the lips of your antagonist to the bill of a duck and give him or her a Donald or Daffy Duck voice. Watch your new movie in forward and reverse. Give the villain of your movie any other absurd voice you can think of. Watch and enjoy!
As you practice the “Overwriting Your Past” application, you will find that your original painful experience will slowly be transformed into something funny. If not funny, something so ridiculous that it is powerless to harm you.
Practice this application for 30 minutes a day for as long as needed, which should be no longer than two or three weeks. Thirty minutes a day for 21 days works out to just ten and a half hours. That’s less than half a day’s work to end a problem that plagued Abigail for more than 50 years! How powerful is this application? If all you do is read about it, it is powerless to help. But if you follow the steps and apply it to your life, like other NLP tools, it is life transformational.
Do you, like Abigail, have a disturbing memory that haunts you and holds you back from enjoying the limitless freedom and happiness you deserve? If so, why not rewrite your life? Why not overwrite your past? Why not set yourself free? After all, all you have to lose is the chain that is holding you back. Do you want to learn 100 more NLP applications? If so, check out the “NLP Toolbox” at: http://www.nlptoolbox.com.
Despite the usefulness and power of the “Overwrite Your Past” application, it is not always the best approach for everyone. After all, even in conventional and integrative medicine, patients respond differently to the same form of treatment. So, the more weapons in your arsenal or arrows in your quiver, the greater your likelihood of success. With that aim in mind, here are more techniques to cleanse you from the toxicity of holding a grudge. I’ll divide the techniques into three groups: Compassionate, Psychological, and Spiritual.
a) The Deathbed Visualization. Buddha asked, if you realize everyone will die, how can you treat them cruelly? With that thought in mind, Buddhist monks practice a ‘Deathbed Visualization.’ That is, if they are the object of cruelty, they imagine the perpetrator on his or her deathbed. Such an image evokes compassion rather than anger. Don’t those who are drowning flail about wildly? They don’t wish to drown their rescuers; their wild behavior is caused by their desperate attempts to survive. So it is with those who are cruel to us. They are on their deathbed. Confused, they are drowning in the sea of life, wildly flailing about, wildly striking out, desperately trying to survive in the only way they know how. With this realization, how can we be angry with them? How can we refuse to forgive them?
b) The Loving Kindness Meditation. One of the best ways to cultivate forgiveness is through the Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation. Fortunately, there is much information dealing with this subject on the Internet. For simple instructions on how to perform this meditation, visit: http://dharma.ncf.ca/introduction/instructions/metta.html. To listen to an example, play the audio file of a Loving Kindness Mediation that is at: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/32/story_3248_1.html#.
a) Understanding the Cause of Pain. A kicked dog bites not because it is vicious, but because it is defending itself. Similarly, most of the people who act cruelly do so not because they are mean-spirited, but because, like the dog, they have been injured in the past and remain in emotional pain. The short “Story of Bobby” will help you understand this point; you can find the story at: http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/forgiveness.htm. Whenever we have to bear the brunt of a cruel remark, it helps to ask ourselves, “What could have happened to make that person act that way?” By reminding ourselves that cruelty flows from pain, it becomes far easier to forgive.
b) People Just Do Their Best under the Circumstances. We are not perfect. Sometimes we act stupidly and hurt others. Not because we’re bad, but because we do the best we can at any particular time. If we cannot control our own behavior, how can we become offended by someone who is guilty of the same offense? Here’s a good habit to get into: whenever someone offends you, in your mind state the offense and add the phase “just like me.” For example, if someone is upsetting you because they are hogging the conversation and not giving you a chance to speak, rather than getting upset, say to yourself, “They are hogging the conversation and not giving others a chance to speak… just like me.” You see, the plain truth is what we don’t like about others is what we don’t like about ourselves. But because we don’t like to admit our faults (even if it is only to ourself), we project them on others. Take advantage of this fact by using the world as a mirror for self-improvement. In other words, when you don’t like the behavior of others, repeat the “…just like me.” sentence in your mind, and in your heart thank them for pointing out an area that you can improve on.
c) Understand the Cause of Your Pain Is Not the External World, but Your Internal World. Most of us are somewhat fragmented. It is almost like having multiple personalities. There is the person we REALLY are, the person we THINK we are, and the person we PRETEND to be. You can learn more about this at: http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/childhood.htm. Also, for a detailed look at our fragmented, many selves and how to heal or integrate them, see: THE MISSING PIECE, Solving the Puzzle of Self, by Claudia Black, Ph.D. and Leslie Drozd, Ph.D., Ballantine Books, 1995. By learning how to forgive ourselves, we will become well equipped to forgive others.
d) Hypnosis. Another tool employed by NLP Practitioners is hypnosis. If you’re looking for a good, FREE, software package that will hypnotize you, give you hypnotic suggestions (that you can edit or create), and wake you up, look no further than Virtual Hypnotist. You can learn all about it and download it at: http://vhypno.sourceforge.net/. You can use self-hypnosis to improve yourself in all areas of life. But before embarking on an auto-hypnosis odyssey, be sure to study the basics. One book that will give you a solid and comprehensive view of hypnosis is “SELF-HYPNOSIS for the Life You Want” by Charles E. Henderson, Ph.D., Biocentrix, 2003. You can visit Dr. Henderson’s site (and order his book) at http://www.bcx.net/hypnosis/aboutceh.html.
a) Acceptance. The main teaching of Buddhism and Taoism is acceptance. That is, we accept what cannot be changed. No complaints, no whining, no struggle. On the contrary, we embrace what is and “go with the flow.” If we unconditionally accept everyone we deal with, there will be no need for forgiveness. What’s more, when we accept life, rather than fight against it, we will not experience frustration and bitterness.
b) Transcendence. The spiritual path is one of transcendence. That is, we seek to become more than we are, greater than we are, nobler than we are. What better way to uplift ourselves and change desperation into inspiration than by forgiveness? For as Edwin Hubbel Chapin (1814 ~ 1880) wrote, “Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it forgoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury.” Consider also the following words found in Hindu scripture (the Mahabharata), “Forgiveness subdues all in this world; what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve? What can a wicked person do unto him who carries the sabre (saber) of forgiveness in his hand? Fire falling on the grassless ground is extinguished of itself. An unforgiving individual defiles himself with many enormities. Righteousness is the one highest good; and forgiveness is the one supreme peace; knowledge is one supreme contentment; and benevolence, one sole happiness.”