Living
the Full Spectrum
by
Sheila Adams, M.A. Organization Development
What do you really want in your life? It really saddens me when I hear from
people that they bury their dreams and desires because they don't want to hope
for something and be disappointed. Why is it so common to feel guilty about
getting what we want?
As I mentioned in the March issue, Robert Fritz (of "The Path of Least
Resistance") stated that the majority of us have a dominant, deeply rooted
belief system that limits the fulfillment of our desires. We believe that we
are both unable to get what we most want, and that we don't deserve to have
what we want. I wonder why this is so prevalent. I have observed some things
I believe are strong contributing factors. Whether you agree or not, I think
you'll find that one solution I offer here will work regardless.
So follow my musings for a moment. I've noticed that it's easy to focus on
faults. It's pretty easy to get someone to commiserate with you when you complain,
as long as it stays within "acceptable" limits. They're usually even
eager to join the chorus. Bad news travels fast, and so does malicious gossip.
We absorb criticism and let in the pain, but have trouble receiving praise
and appreciation. We are often uncomfortable saying anything to someone directly
that approaches either end of the emotional spectrum: negative or positive.
So if we are more focused on absorbing negative feedback than positive, it's
no great mystery why we feel so powerless and undeserving!
Do you assume when someone tells you something good about someone else that
that someone must be lucky to hear wonderful things about themselves? Do you
long for that same kind of feedback yourself, even if secretly? I'm willing
to bet that the wonderful qualities that are shared with you about someone
else don't often get back to them, and they probably don't get direct positive
feedback any more than you do. Why is this?
I believe we have a real need to express the full spectrum of our feelings
about how we see others, but need to do it in a way that doesn't threaten our
comfort, or risk conflict. It can even be embarrassing to give positive feedback
to someone, especially if they are embarrassed receiving it. Our communication
with each other usually falls in the middle. Negative feelings are tempered,
vented to a "safe" third party, or veiled in partial truths. At the
opposite end of the spectrum I see enthusiasm curtailed because we're afraid
someone will come along and burst our bubble. Unfortunately, this is often
grounded in solid experience. We are so afraid to shine. If we appear "big" we
may hear "you're too big for your britches", "who do you think
you are anyway!", or "don't toot your own horn". My fightin'
response to these is: get bigger britches, tell them who you are, and who else
will toot your horn if you don't!
As Marianne
Williamson says, playing small doesn't serve anyone. Have you
ever experienced being in a safe, supportive group with others
who let you grow and be your true self? If you have, you know
that many others share these issues of not feeling "good
enough" or feeling "less than". In an environment
of acceptance and nurturance, when you allow yourself to be "big" and
brilliant, you give others permission to do the same.
The next time someone tells you you're "full of yourself", think
about what that could really mean. When you're so full of the best you can
be -- your most brilliant, your most loving and compassionate, you don't have
room to be petty, competitive or small. So don't hold back. Notice what's cool
about you....praise yourself. Do the same for someone else today. Giving others
the space to be themselves and grow will allow them to let their guard down
and give you space to be your authentic self. Maybe then you'll be better able
to give yourself "permission" to have
what you want.
--------------------------
Sheila Adams, M.A. Organization Development, draws on 16 years in
business as entrepreneur, executive, trainer, and coach, to guide
you toward living your vision. For more information about
workshops, teleclasses, and coaching customized for your success,
visit The Learning Edge Coaching web site at www.TheEdgeCoach.com
and the special programs and classes for Vibrant Women . For a current class
schedule, send a blank email to currentschedule@TheEdgeCoach.com
(Update: the above websitse/email appear to be no longer valid)
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