“If you let a bully intimidate you, he’s going to do it again. You’ve got to stand up to these strong-arm tactics.” (–Charles Djou)
Were you ever bullied, humiliated, harassed, or treated with contempt? Were you ever called names, such as fatso, baldy, geek, retard, or ugly? When you tried to fit in at a new school, job, or neighborhood, did someone or some group make racial slurs, belittle your religion, make fun of your appearance, ridicule your opinions, mock your speech, or deride your beliefs? When you tried to express yourself, did they show appreciation or show disdain? When you arrived, did they cheer or jeer? Did they celebrate you or denigrate you?
If you spoke up after being taunted, did they try to blame you, the victim, by saying, “What’s the matter? Don’t you have a sense of humor? Don’t be so sensitive, we were just kidding!”
When you complained to your boss, parents, or teachers, did they help? Instead of doing so, they may have compounded the problem by brushing it aside and saying something like, “Don’t let it get to you. You’ve just got to learn how to get along with people!” I wonder which is worse, to be made the brunt of jokes or to have one’s pain trivialized?
Intimidation of others takes many forms. It could be physical violence or verbal abuse. You may be prevented from doing what you want to do or forced to do what you don’t want to. You may be shunned, ostracized, or given the silent treatment. The abusers may steal your property or your reputation. You may be criticized, insulted, or threatened. The result of it all is considerable emotional and physical pain.
What can we do about such abuse when it happens to us? First, we can learn to understand the causes. Once we do, that may be enough to, if not end the pain, at least lessen it. Understanding the causes will also point out options and possible solutions. So, why are some people so belligerent?
They abusers act tough because they’re weak. They have little or no confidence. They feel like losers. They feel unsuccessful and incompetent. They feel that they have no power over their lives and are desperately looking for a method of filling this vacuum. Then along you come. If, somehow, they can make you feel bad; if they can control your emotions, then they will have redeemed themselves, for now at last they will have some control and power. True, it is destructive rather than constructive power, but any power is better than none. Granted, it is control over the lives of others rather than over their own life, but, again, some control is better than no control.
Because of the complexity of life, there is not one explanation of hostility, but many. However, there is a commonality. In all cases the aggressor is weak. He or she may wear their belligerence as a shield. They may be afraid of being laughed at because of their own incompetence, so they lash out at others in a preemptive attack.
Also, because of feelings of worthlessness, they seek ways of becoming the center of attention and ways of gaining popularity. After all, if a late night TV talk show host can earn millions and win respect by insulting the President of the United States, why can’t they become a local ‘hero’ by making fun of you?
Other reasons for indulging in malicious behaviour include peer pressure, jealousy and envy, not knowing any better, and the glorification of violence on TV, in the movies, and video games. The instigators themselves may also be victims. Perhaps they’re being abused by a sibling, a parent, or a neighbor and are now striking out at others to release some of their pent up hostility. Politicians sometimes exemplify yet another reason for insulting others: manipulation. Candidates running for office with a weak platform will often slander their rivals to divert attention from their own lack of ideas.
It is also helpful to understand that the pain we feel when insults are slung our way, is not caused by the insults themselves, but by our internal reaction to them. This important lesson, (that it is not outside events, but our reactions to them that causes our suffering), is a major tenet of modern psychology.
Yet, this teaching is hardly new. Two thousand years ago, the Greek philosopher Epictetus taught, “It is not he who gives abuse that affronts, but the view that we take of it as insulting; so that when one provokes you it is your own opinion which is provoking.” We may not be able to change the abuser, but we can change our mind. We can decide that the frail attempts of a weakling trying to hurt us can be ignored. What better revenge can you enact than to deprive the abuser of the satisfaction of seeing you get upset?
Another point to ponder is a harasser cannot change the truth. A shrill little man may call Luciano Pavarotti “fatso,” but does that diminish in any way the quality of Pavarotti’s voice or his magnificent accomplishments? Of course not.
Here’s how Samuel Johnson advanced the same argument, “A fly may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still.” So, why let the pathetic attempts of an insecure person irritate you? In fact, try to feel their pain. Who knows, if you act compassionately, you may be able to heal their wounds as well as your own.
Did you know that Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, and Michelle Pfeiffer were all bullied in school? Who’s laughing now? Doesn’t this demonstrate that things change? Just because you’re in an unpleasant circumstance today, it doesn’t mean that it will remain that way indefinitely. Also remember that bullies are not really attacking you, but attacking events that occurred in their lives.
Can anything positive be said about insults? At least it is far better to have someone hurl insults at you than to stone you to death! Which is why Sigmund Freud wrote, “The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.”
Changing from physical abuse to verbal abuse may be a step in the right direction, but it offers little consolation to those suffering mental anguish. Aren’t there other things that can be done to eliminate or lessen the impact of bullying? Yes, there are, and some of them are shown below.
1. Without being confrontational, ask the bully to repeat what was said. For example, “What was that?” or “Sorry, I didn’t catch what you said, can you repeat it?” Asking a question reverses the situation, placing you in control. It’s like playing a game of tennis. When bullies taunt you, they are slamming the ball at you. When you immediately respond with a question, it is a volley, placing the ball in their court. It catches them off guard. They didn’t expect that. The question forces them to reconsider the vicious remark that they made. Embarrassed or befuddled, they will usually respond with a weaker version of the original remark. So, with a single question, you have lowered the level of intimidation by one notch. After they repeat it, what should you do? You could brush it off; laugh it off, or continue with another response, such as the following.
2. After getting the bully to repeat the remark, say something nice! Such as, “I can’t believe you would say such a thing. It is beneath you. Such remarks are unworthy of you. Guess you’re having a bad day. Got to go now. See you later.” All bullies are deeply troubled. They wish someone would understand them. Your remarks suggest that you may not only understand, but also sympathize with them. If you repeat similar comments whenever you meet, you may change them into decent people.
3. Practice reverse psychology by turning insults into compliments. If the bully says, “My, you’re terribly ugly,” you could say, “What a nice thing to say! I didn’t think you noticed. Bye, bye.” When you refuse to be hurt by the comments of bullies, you make them become failures at their own game. That may make them uncomfortable enough to stop taunting you.
4. Redirect the insults back to the source. For instance you could say, “I’m so happy you’re trying to be self-confident! Keep repeating what you said. If you say it often enough, you may come to believe it. That will make you feel better. Next time you see me, you can practice some more.”
A variation of this theme would be, “I apologize. I didn’t realize you have such low self-esteem that you have to belittle others to feel good. Next time I’ll try not to be so obvious.” This response may force the bully to face his or her weakness and bring about some change. But never say these remarks in a malicious manner. Instead of acting superior, act more enlightened.
5. Offer help. You could say, “Look, no one is this mean unless something is troubling them. If you ever want to speak about it, let me know. Perhaps I can help.”
6. Fogging. Fogging is a term used in assertiveness training. It means to agree with part of the bully’s statement. By expressing an area of agreement, you are being non-confrontational, yet remain firm. For example, the bully calls you a skinny moron and you reply, “Yes, I am skinny. In fact, I may even be a moron in your mind. But I’m sure you’re intelligent enough to know I’m not stupid. So, why are you insulting me?”
7. Reply with a sense of humor. But don’t act as though you’re looking down at the bully. You’re not laughing at them, but at the situation. Here are some one-liners you can add to your arsenal:
- “Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.”
- “Is your name Laryngitis? Because you’re a pain in the neck.”
- “Is your name Dandruff? You seem to get into people’s hair.”
- “I hear you pick your friends — to pieces!!”
- “When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says, ‘Gentlemen.’ Pay no attention and go right on in.”
- “We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long-stayings.”
- “You must be the arithmetic man — you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.”
- “I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.”
- “You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.”
- “I’m sorry, I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?”
- “You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.”
- “When someone cuts their finger, you cry over it just to get salt in the wound.”
- “I admire you because I’ve never had the courage to be so boring.”
- “You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.”
- “Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?”
- “Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.”
- “The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?”
The above retorts may be amusing, but bullying is no laughing matter. It is not to be put up with. So stand up for yourself and others whenever it is possible. Remember that there is strength in numbers. When you hang out with friends, you can offer support to each another. The only reason there are bullies is that not enough people stand up to them. So, do your part. You never know; you may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. You may be the one responsible for the bully changing their ways and returning to the flock. Try to be sympathetic and redeem the bully. But if you can’t, and they pose a risk, speak to the authorities. For example, if it’s a matter of bullying in the workplace, talk to your supervisor and the HR Manager, firmly letting them know that the intimidation must end. There are laws regarding safety in the workplace, so if your company doesn’t correct the situation for you, report it to the authorities. Finally, if you are less assertive than you would like to be, do something about it. Take an assertiveness course and learn how to gain control over your life and happiness.
I’m all in favor of kindness and service to others, but not when it means allowing others to manipulate us. Refusing to allow others to walk all over us is not about being selfish or self-centered, but of being self-aware. It’s about understanding that we are responsible for our own lives. If we give in to others, we give up on ourselves.
Manipulation is about being used, abused, intimidated, coerced, pressured, bullied, or ‘brainwashed’ into doing something you don’t want to do. When we do something that is not in our best interest simply because we were pressured into it, we surrender our personal power and turn control over our lives to others. Unlike cats, we have only one life; so, don’t turn yours over to someone else.
We are here to help others, but we cannot help others until we help ourselves. How can we make others strong if we ourselves are weak? How can we teach others to defend their rights when we do not defend our own? There is enough unhappiness is the world, it needs more people spreading joy. Yet, when we do what we don’t want to do, we add to the unhappiness in the world.
We help one another by engaging in a series of transactions. We make exchanges of value. For example, I agree to work for my boss and he agrees to pay me a salary. As long as he pays me, he is living up to his part of the bargain and I am obligated to work for him. But manipulation involves no exchange of value. For instance, a coworker comes up to me and says, “I’m moving into a new apartment Sunday and need a lot of help. If you don’t help me move in, I’ll be very disappointed.” The coworker is trying to manipulate me. He wants free labor and in exchange promises not to feel “disappointed.” He is acting like a child threatening to throw a temper tantrum unless it gets its way.
I’m not responsible for my coworkers’ feelings. I would hope he chooses to be happy and joyful, but if he chooses to be unhappy and disappointed; well, that’s up to him. Because of the absence of an exchange of any value, I am not obligated to help him. Nor do I owe him any explanation or apology. So, the conversation may go something like this:
“Sorry, Bob, but I have something else planned for Sunday.”
“How long will you be busy on Sunday?”
“What are you doing that’s so important?”
“Leading my life by doing what I want to do. It’s something I recommend to everyone.”
“I’m disappointed in you, Chuck; I thought I could count on you.”
“If you want someone to count on, call the moving company.”
I’ll stop here, but manipulators can be persistent. They hope you will break under the pressure. If Bob were to persist, I would just break off the conversation with something like, “Sorry, Bob, but I already gave you my answer. I wish you luck. Now I’ve got to get back to work. See you later.” Also, when standing up for our rights, there is no need to reply in a hostile tone. We can remain polite, but firm.
Bob, my coworker, is just an acquaintance, but Jim is a friend. Compare Jim’s conversation with Bob’s.
“Chuck, I’m getting ready to move again. I know you’re working on your basement. If you give me a hand moving, I’ll help you out in your basement.”
There’s a big difference in conversations, isn’t there? That’s because Jim is not a manipulator. Cooperation is the opposite of manipulation. He offered to exchange something of value. I was happy to help because we both got each other’s job done in half the time and had fun doing so.
To avoid being a victim, remain on the alert. If someone asks you to do them a favor and you can’t say no without fear or yes without resentment, you are a victim. If you are, it’s time to regain your power. No one stole it from you, you handed it over to them. Now take it back. After all, you can’t live for others without squandering your own life. When you are in control, doing what you want to do, you will be happy and in the position to spread happiness to others. But when you reluctantly follow the wishes of others, you will be resentful and spread misery. You owe it to yourself and others to remain in control of your life.
Although you should be on the alert, there is no need to fear the attempts of others to manipulate you. For their attempts will give you the opportunity to declare, decide, and develop into the person you want to be. Further, once you understand why they are trying to manipulate you, your fear will be replaced with compassion. And because of your compassion, your assertiveness will never change to aggression.
Why do some people try to manipulate others? Because they’re weak. Weak people are not to be feared, but to be pitied. Their weakness comes in many forms and includes feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. They try to get others to do what they believe they cannot do. They try to compensate for their feelings of powerlessness by gaining power over others. People like this don’t care which way the car is going as long as they remain in the driver’s seat.
Also, people who live miserable lives like to make others miserable too. When they are successful in doing so, they find some relief by diverting their attention from their own pain to the pain of others. Also, they may be afraid that if they ask for what they want, you may refuse, so they try to manipulate you instead. Some manipulators have distorted thinking. They either believe they are superior and entitled to their demands or they feel they are treated as inferiors and therefore are entitled to special privileges.
Whatever the cause, it’s based on weakness. So, whenever they try to get their way by making you feel guilty, refuse to give in to them, but do so in a gentle caring way; after all, they’re weak, and you’re not.
When facing manipulation, don’t give in to fear. Don’t be afraid of losing a friend, hurting their feelings, or disappointing them. You are responsible for your life, not theirs. Remain vigilant and ignite in your heart the flame of courage, for as Helena Petrova Blavatsky wrote, “The more thou dost advance, the more thy feet pitfalls will meet. The Path that leadeth on is lighted by one fire — the light of daring burning in the heart. The more one dares, the more he shall obtain. The more he fears, the more that light shall pale.”
How to be Assertive In Any Situation by Sue Hadfield and Gill Hasson
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life By Henry Cloud and John Townsend
The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene
Chuck Gallozzi lived, studied, and worked in Japan for 15 years, immersing himself in the wisdom of the Far East and graduating with B.A. and M.A. degrees in Asian Studies. He is a Certified NLP Practitioner, speaker, seminar leader, and coach. Corporations, church groups, teachers, counselors, and caregivers use his more than 400 articles as a resource to help others. Among his diverse accomplishments, he is also the Grand Prix Winner of a Ricoh International Photo Competition, the Canadian National Champion of a Toastmasters International Humorous Speech Contest, and the Founder and Head of the Positive Thinkers Group that has been meeting at St. Michael’s Hospital, Toronto since 1999. His articles are published in books, newsletters, magazines, and newspapers. He was interviewed on CBC’s “Steven and Chris Show,” appearing nationally on Canadian TV. Chuck can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org. View his photography at https://500px.com/chuckgallozzi. This article cannot be re-published without permission.